Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Miss Veronika Everheart, Tap Sensation

This fancy lady is a walking contradiction. Her shapely hooves sport a pair of kicky heels the likes of which we haven't seen since O'Reilly's Speakeasy over on East 37th closed. And those gaucho pants (not a skirt, as we initially believed) show she's ready to do the lindy hop or the mashed potato or a quickstep, depending on what bastardized decade we place her in. But what's this? Camouflage on top? No, you dancing queen! Why would you want to hide your light under a bushel?

But once our eyes reach the top of her head, with her poorly matched red hat and faded fuschia (is that even possible) scarf, we realized that this jazz cat isn't in camouflage to hide. It's a metaphor! Her snappy monochrome camo is simply an homage to the Prohibition years, when all those guys and dolls had to drink and dance and participate in other shenanigans and/or hootenannies in hiding. Now she's out on the streets and ready to party again!

So watch out for this one, if you see her coming down the road. There's no telling what kind of crazy allegedly mob-related fun you might have with her!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Queen Furrrocious of Heck's Angels

I honestly don't know what to make of this woman. Is she bipolar? Does she have multiple personality disorder, only one of her personalities lives in her vajay? I mean, each element of this ensemble is just gorgeous. The awkward gray leggings that cut her calves at the most awkward place possible, the wrinkled black skirt that even further stumpifies her, and that stunningly painted leather jacket. That last one is just a real piece of work. I mean, who even knew they made a Christian version of Final Fantasy, let alone sold merchandise for it?

But anyway, why? Why take each of these unique and fabulous items of clothing and put them together to create the fashionable equivalent of being between a rock and a hard place (if the rock and the hard place have just been thrown at your head at a great speed)? Well, after long thought, I've realized why this lovely dame isn't quite matching. Earlier this morning, I suspect, she was attempting to create a snappy look by using her Bedazzler(TM) to make the skirt even fiercier. However, despite her best efforts, it just wouldn't work. If everyone's role model Ms. Elle Woods had been there, she could have told Sassy McPleather the one rule every Cosmo girl should remember for all occasions: you can't Bedazzle rhinestones onto china silk - it'll pucker. Oh well, Sassy. Better luck next time! Good luck with all your future theological video game endeavors!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Oh em gee placeholder!

Hey bitches,

So... clearly, we've been total Jon Benet parents to you. (That's in terms of neglect, not brutal murder, natch.) And we're sorry! Well, that's not especially true. We do wish we'd posted more, but we think that your expectations of our investment in anything, let alone a blog, are so not fetch. But anyway, we're back in New York, we're back being bitchy (as if we ever stopped), and we have a whole twatload of new fashion victims from the good ol' US of A, so WATCH THE FUCK OUT, AMERICA! We're back with a vengeance to get more fans, more pageloads, and possibly someday soon recognition from SOMEONE aside from our dear neglected friends at Jess and Josh Talk About Stuff (at their new URL, bitches!).

Anyway, point is: sorry we've been gone, we have new material, we'll be back soon, read our motherfucking blog. That's all!

Fashion Bois (the I used ironically, of course)